Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
