the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize