How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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