How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
