she woke up with a sticky ear
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
