In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
