Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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