So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The beer is more important than you right now.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
