sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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