To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
