This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
