oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
