My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
