so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
