I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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