the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
