My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
