You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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