You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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