The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
