Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
