I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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