Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
