There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
