Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
