I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
