oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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