Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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