apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
50% drunk capacity currently
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
