I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
