Non-Jews are for practice
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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