Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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