"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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