he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
