my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
