DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
