Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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