Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
