Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
