I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
