I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
