So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
