Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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