I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
