It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
