Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
