My liver just broke up with me...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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