i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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