Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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