THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Are we still banned from the library?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
