my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
