i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
