The maid of honor just puked.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
