would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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