Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
