On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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