I can tuck mytits in my pants
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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