I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
