There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
