Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
