I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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