I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
