you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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