My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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